Absolutely Maddening!

March Madness may indeed be the greatest sporting event in the country. It is estimated that over 3.8 Billion dollars worth of productivity will be lost due to Americans watching tournament games at work, and I think that’s awesome. In any other country in the world life would be completely put on hold for a sporting event of this magnitude, and I have to say, I love it as much as anyone, except for the one thing that seems to get everyone else so aroused: The upsets. I hate upsets. An upset is a situation where a lower seeded team beats a team seeded at least three spots higher than they are. I think that upsets ruin tournaments. Admittedly there are exceptions to every rule, (seeing UConn lose for example wasn’t that bad because they have been a bunch of heartless hacks just going through the motions for 30 minutes a game until it mattered all season long, so it was nice that they finally got their comeuppance.) but for the most part I don’t see the entertainment value when the best players get knocked out too soon and the best teams choke. Stories that unfold and players that emerge like Tyrus Thomas of LSU, Joakim Noah of Florida, or Patrick O’Brien of Bradley are neat to see, not to mention they help the NBA scouts (the worst in pro sports) by doing their jobs for them, but I want to see top players who have been great for their whole careers matched up against each other in the post season rather than a bunch of Cinderellas who never showed up until tourney time. Two months ago, who would have given a rat’s ass about Glen Davis vs Jai Lewis? Are you telling me that’s better than Reddick v McNamera or Morrison or Paul Davis v Tyler Hansbrough? I didn’t spend all season following these guys to wave goodbye after the first weekend of the tournament. At any rate, at least it’s not the BCS.

Why are hot chicks so dumb? I’ll explain it to you

Not long ago I went to the local Village Inn, which was lovely, for a breakfast skillet. While parking, my friends and I noticed a car with writing on the back windshield containing phrases like, “Hot girls on a road trip”, and “Honk at us, we’re hot!” Naturally I was anxious to get inside and take a gander at these sirens, and then I was reminded of one of nature’s constant truisms: Hot chicks don’t advertise. Needles to say, the breakfast skillet was the most attractive thing at the V.I. that morning. This is one of Darwin’s cruelest twists. Less attractive girls are genetically driven to convince themselves that they are hot in order to propagate the species. This is necessary because most chicks aren’t hot, and the human race would simply die out otherwise.

I could write an entire thesis on this subject, but I’ll try to sum it up more quickly here. Hot chicks are stupid by nature because if they were smarter than the average girls, they would quickly take control of all male actions and severely limit the growth of society. Look at how easy it was for a skank like Monica Lewinsky to infiltrate the White House. Imagine what she could have done if she were mildly attractive! Think about it. Is there anything more deadly than a really hot girl who knows how hot she is and wields that hotness for her own personal gain? If hot girls were to become aware of the power they posses and unite their collective hotness, Amazonian rule would result in a matter of days.

This is also why all girls think they are fat. The fat perception is nature’s way of preserving order. Let’s face it, if women ruled the world we’d still be struggling with discoveries like fire and manmade tools. And don’t give me any of that, “wait a minute, so and so is beautiful and she’s a genius” bull crap. Some sheep come out black (it helps the species to continue to evolve), but the general rule is always consistent. So don’t complain or get down on hot chicks if they don’t quite measure up above the neck. It’s not their fault. In fact, they’re just doing their part to keep society from imploding. So go ahead and buy that dumb hottie a drink, and let nature take its course.